I didn’t know what trauma was until recently but it turns out I’ve experienced it my whole life. What I thought was “normal” behavior from my parents, educators and partners turned out to be emotionally abusive and very damaging to my sense of self.
The way I saw myself was always less-than, or undeserving, and worthless. That was the message I got from the way these people who I should have been able to trust treated me.
Interestingly, my upbringing seemed ok to me. I just didn’t know why I hated myself and my life. I wasn’t malnourished. We had a roof over our heads. My parents were always employed and were married for 50 years. So, what’s the problem? That’s such a loaded question and there’s not enough room here to unpack it, but suffice to say, plenty. There were plenty of problems with what on the outside appeared to be a stable, “normal”, environment.
But I didn’t know any better. What kid does? As a kid, I didn’t have the tools to respond in a way that would protect me, or at least allow me to deal with the situation in a way that would help me to manage the feelings I was having, so I did what came instinctively to me – I tried to be invisible and overly compliant in order to ensure my safety. I wanted to (and still do to some extent) stay “under the radar.” When situations became intense, I shut down (or froze). The result of that type of reaction as an adult was to deny my voice, to sidestep conflict, and to soothe myself with some not-so-healthy addictive behaviors. This then resulted in people-pleasing, which lead to being walked all over, controlled, feeling powerless, and deeply unhappy, but not knowing why.
But this isn’t about blame. I don’t blame anyone in my life. I know now, that they did what they were taught (by example), told, or otherwise conditioned to do. They learned these behaviors from their parents and others around them. “Children are to be controlled, not listened to.” “You do what I say, no questions allowed. ” “What you feel is not important.” “You obey the rules, period. If you don’t there will be consequences.” There are remnants of these directives that still operate in me and influence my behavior if I’m not aware of what’s happening.
What I’ve learned about trauma in general and emotional and verbal abuse in particular to heal my own situation, is that it is amazing how you can function in the world and not know that the trauma that you have experienced affects your whole life; your physical and psychological health, the way you nourish or punish yourself and your body, the way you relate to others, and disconnect from who you really are. HINT: You are not who you were conditioned to be.
These patterns (on both sides) don’t change until we are awake enough to see them and change or respond differently, to them. If we don’t, as in abuse of all kinds, it will continue to affect millions of people in a never-ending cycle of pain and suffering.
So it’s important to recognize your own trauma. That may sound weird, but in order to heal it, you need to see it – not relive it – just see it clearly. Then, the healing process can begin. Acknowledge that something happened to you that you did your best to deal with given the resources you had.
Through my own healing process and with the help of mindfulness, I’ve learned that it wasn’t so much about that treatment by those people in my life but how I responded to it. To me, this is the key to health and wellbeing. Becoming more aware (mindful) of how I react vs responding skillfully no matter what presents itself in my life.
Healing trauma is about giving you the tools to create or increase your resilience, or your ability to “roll with the punches.” To respond in a way that serves you. In my case, I have so far learned that trauma affected how I saw the world and that world view was terribly distorted which resulted in a great deal of emotional pain and suffering. The destructive thoughts about myself and my own worth were bullshit. They were thoughts that had no validity whatsoever, but those thoughts were reinforced because of what was happening and my lack of resources to respond differently to them.
With mindful awareness, we can see where our thoughts and emotions, and our reactions to those thoughts and emotions, derail our efforts to live a happier life. You can get back on track by acknowledging the trauma and learning new ways to uncover your wholeness and strength.
Children and adults can learn ways to deal more skillfully with stressful situations and to build resilience, or the power to withstand what life sends your way. The methods you can use to heal are abundant and varied. We invite you to find a healing modality or modalities that you resonate with. Remember that this is a process and may take years – but you can heal while you live your life and it will continue to get better and better.
May you be well,
Cheryl
